Quiet assertiveness

Listening isn’t everything.

Relationships of all kinds fail, when one person is unassertive.

I have studied many models of human relationship, but none of them worked for me. Although this model looks naive, it seems to work nearly all of the time.

Quiet assertiveness has four phases, and there are a further four refinements:

Phases

1. clarity
2. contact
3. persistence
4. immunity

Refinements

1. flexibility
2. self-respect
3. words that heal, words that wound
4. a note about violence

Assertiveness is about conveying to another person what you feel and think, and what you want to happen; communicating in a way which is clean and direct – likely to get through, and to provoke minimal opposition and reactive nonsense.

Clarity

You may have to fight for a little time and space, to get clear in your own mind what you want, or want to say.

Contact

You may have to catch the other person’s attention. Many people find it hard to stop what they are doing, in order to hear what you are saying.

Persistence

You may have to persist, to stay close until what you want is actually happening. Don’t expect people to do what they say they will. Just hang in there, but without bugging them.

Immunity

You may have to be like a cloud, so that nonsense, obstruction, malice and negativity simply pass by without hooking you. You don’t want to get caught in mind-games, or led down side-paths. But do listen carefully to everything the person says – for you may learn something.

Flexibility

You are actively seeking a win-win solution…

Self-respect

…but there are times when self-respect is threatened – when you may simply have to say, “No deal”.

Words that heal, words that wound

It’s not just that you persist. It’s the way that you do it. Persistence needs to be directed by clarity.

Here is a further note about how to achieve clarity (these ideas are taken from Marshall Rosenberg’s work in Nonviolent Communication).

Try to find language which is free from any hint of accusation:

1. Separate what you are observing,
2. from the effect on you.
3. Ask yourself what underlies your feeling, and
4. try to be specific (not vague or peremptory) about what you would like to happen next.

In other words:

1. “What exactly happened?”
2. “And how did I feel?”
3. “What need of mine is not being met?”
4. “What would I like to request of this person, and would I definitely be able to tell, if they did it?”

A note about violence

Coercion has many forms. Threat and violence may be gross or subtle, open or hidden – emotional, verbal, economic, political, social, sexual, or crudely physical.

It is wise (I think) to become acutely sensitive to power and aggression; to learn to recognise violence, even in veiled or charming guise – and to be aware of its roots in primitive emotions and feelings of inferiority.

Dealing with violence is not easy. You will have to be canny, as well as strong; assertive as well as patient; wary as well as clear-headed; steady as well as non-violent.

I cannot teach you violence,
as I do not myself believe in it.

I can only teach you
not to bow your heads before anyone.

—Mahatma Gandhi

Sometimes, you may need to take direct action, to protect yourself or others.

Assertiveness is kindness, both to yourself and the other person.